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Mar. 24th, 2005 11:09 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
snoweeThis is more pathetic than I ever like to admit I really am. In light of other's troubles, I feel bad even saying it. Why? .
As a tornado swirls around, I feel I’m standing in the eye of it. It’s so calm I feel lethargic and apathetic. I look out to the beyond, life as I perceive it, but my view is blocked by swirling muck and pieces which, as they pass, I can identify clearly for a moment. They rush past at dangerously high speeds and I should feel dizzy, but instead I’m still inside it; wanting out, but I can’t see a way. Instead I just sink slowly into the apathy.
Every time I sink, my mind sees a different way to describe it. They’re all pretty useless. It doesn’t make me feel better to identify.
I was fooling myself. If I cannot find the blame within myself, I tend to blame those near and dear; hubby, child… I blamed them for what I’ve been feeling for some time, but after having a breakdown and, essentially a temper tantrum, I woke up the next morning and felt even worse. I realized it wasn’t them and it wasn’t me. It was that black thing.
See, I had this hope. When I joined the gym almost a year ago, they gave me a book written by a doctor. In it they said they did this study of three groups; all with clinical depression. One group was on medication, one group was on medication and an exercise regime, and the third took no meds and had a regime like the one recommended by my gym. They claimed that the third group had the highest success rate. I thought ‘great’. I thought it would help, but most days now it feels like it has just slowed my decent so that instead of falling quickly and knowing exactly where I am, it has become an excruciatingly long trek.
Do you ever just get so used to faking it that you think you can live your whole life that way? That you can even use the acting skills to fight off the feelings forever? Have you ever fooled yourself into believing that you won’t feel this way again?
Inside, blank. Dull. Dead.
As a tornado swirls around, I feel I’m standing in the eye of it. It’s so calm I feel lethargic and apathetic. I look out to the beyond, life as I perceive it, but my view is blocked by swirling muck and pieces which, as they pass, I can identify clearly for a moment. They rush past at dangerously high speeds and I should feel dizzy, but instead I’m still inside it; wanting out, but I can’t see a way. Instead I just sink slowly into the apathy.
Every time I sink, my mind sees a different way to describe it. They’re all pretty useless. It doesn’t make me feel better to identify.
I was fooling myself. If I cannot find the blame within myself, I tend to blame those near and dear; hubby, child… I blamed them for what I’ve been feeling for some time, but after having a breakdown and, essentially a temper tantrum, I woke up the next morning and felt even worse. I realized it wasn’t them and it wasn’t me. It was that black thing.
See, I had this hope. When I joined the gym almost a year ago, they gave me a book written by a doctor. In it they said they did this study of three groups; all with clinical depression. One group was on medication, one group was on medication and an exercise regime, and the third took no meds and had a regime like the one recommended by my gym. They claimed that the third group had the highest success rate. I thought ‘great’. I thought it would help, but most days now it feels like it has just slowed my decent so that instead of falling quickly and knowing exactly where I am, it has become an excruciatingly long trek.
Do you ever just get so used to faking it that you think you can live your whole life that way? That you can even use the acting skills to fight off the feelings forever? Have you ever fooled yourself into believing that you won’t feel this way again?
Inside, blank. Dull. Dead.
