I'm a bad person
Feb. 26th, 2003 09:43 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
snoweeShaky and nauseous. Nerves are trembling. Head spinning. What's all this about, then?
Well, I let someone down. This rant will contain my excuses, which I hate so don't listen to those parts, and a bunch of me blaming myself so skip it if you don't want to hear it.
Last year, an internet friend came out here to visit. She pretty much invited herself as I'd only known her about 3 months when she decided she wanted to come visit. Anyway, while she was here, she half bullied me (because I'm too nice to say no) into making her some pants and a shirt. Really, I know if I'd said I was too busy or something, it would have been ok and I know that, but I'm a dumbass and couldn't stop saying "Sure. I'd love to" {banging head} Well, we had just moved when she came to visit and have now moved again into this house. Her fabric and pattern are here. I've seen them! I just can't get to them right now. So, months and months later (nearing a year now) I haven't made them.
Today she sent me an email asking for the stuff back. I totally want to cry because I let her down, but then in the back of my head I'm still thinking she's kind of selfish for not realizing (though I've told her!) that life isn't so simple for me. Everyone seems to think that because I'm a stay at home mom, that I must just have time to do everything for everyone else without any concern of what I want for me. Well, for years and years I did everything for everyone, nothing for me. (I changed colleges for what would be convenient for someone else, I picked the date of my wedding based on what hubby's parents wanted, the list goes on and on. Everything from minor inconveniences to huge changes I have done for others) and in the last few years I've been fucking selfish - only offering to do things that I really wanted to do and saying no a lot more, but I let this chick talk me into things because I'm a stay at home mom. What else have I got to do? Well, fucking, I wanted to do my webpage. Why should that come after her desire for these things when I can't GET to her stuff right now?
I just feel so bullied by her even though when we met she claimed she didn't want to be a control freak. She is, though. I joined Northville and have offered a dozen things to help, but I'll spend 5 hours making buttons and a webpage for her, then she'll tell me she wants to do it differently, then come back and want to take the work I did and remake it herself - exactly the way I did only done herself. I mean, she talks me in circles and when I resist her control, she gets annoyed with me.
I'm so tired of that friendship. It's all take from her, I feel lately. I've let her down a lot lately, but mostly because I feel like she doesn't understand that I have my own things to deal with and I'm not here for her and her alone. {banging head a few more times} I'm so upset and shaky and frustrated with myself, but the whole time there's a voice in the back of my head telling me to knock it off because she's always been selfish with me so if I'm selfish back, I'm doing nothing wrong, but I am and this sentence is a run on because of the back and forth shit going in my head that's making me nuts today.
Dammit. I'm not going to cry about this. AM NOT AM NOT AM NOT!
FUCK. I think I better go do some deep breathing before this gets worse. I feel uncontrollable chills and shaking coming on... the last steps before a panic attack which I don't fucking need. I'm outta here.
Well, I let someone down. This rant will contain my excuses, which I hate so don't listen to those parts, and a bunch of me blaming myself so skip it if you don't want to hear it.
Last year, an internet friend came out here to visit. She pretty much invited herself as I'd only known her about 3 months when she decided she wanted to come visit. Anyway, while she was here, she half bullied me (because I'm too nice to say no) into making her some pants and a shirt. Really, I know if I'd said I was too busy or something, it would have been ok and I know that, but I'm a dumbass and couldn't stop saying "Sure. I'd love to" {banging head} Well, we had just moved when she came to visit and have now moved again into this house. Her fabric and pattern are here. I've seen them! I just can't get to them right now. So, months and months later (nearing a year now) I haven't made them.
Today she sent me an email asking for the stuff back. I totally want to cry because I let her down, but then in the back of my head I'm still thinking she's kind of selfish for not realizing (though I've told her!) that life isn't so simple for me. Everyone seems to think that because I'm a stay at home mom, that I must just have time to do everything for everyone else without any concern of what I want for me. Well, for years and years I did everything for everyone, nothing for me. (I changed colleges for what would be convenient for someone else, I picked the date of my wedding based on what hubby's parents wanted, the list goes on and on. Everything from minor inconveniences to huge changes I have done for others) and in the last few years I've been fucking selfish - only offering to do things that I really wanted to do and saying no a lot more, but I let this chick talk me into things because I'm a stay at home mom. What else have I got to do? Well, fucking, I wanted to do my webpage. Why should that come after her desire for these things when I can't GET to her stuff right now?
I just feel so bullied by her even though when we met she claimed she didn't want to be a control freak. She is, though. I joined Northville and have offered a dozen things to help, but I'll spend 5 hours making buttons and a webpage for her, then she'll tell me she wants to do it differently, then come back and want to take the work I did and remake it herself - exactly the way I did only done herself. I mean, she talks me in circles and when I resist her control, she gets annoyed with me.
I'm so tired of that friendship. It's all take from her, I feel lately. I've let her down a lot lately, but mostly because I feel like she doesn't understand that I have my own things to deal with and I'm not here for her and her alone. {banging head a few more times} I'm so upset and shaky and frustrated with myself, but the whole time there's a voice in the back of my head telling me to knock it off because she's always been selfish with me so if I'm selfish back, I'm doing nothing wrong, but I am and this sentence is a run on because of the back and forth shit going in my head that's making me nuts today.
Dammit. I'm not going to cry about this. AM NOT AM NOT AM NOT!
FUCK. I think I better go do some deep breathing before this gets worse. I feel uncontrollable chills and shaking coming on... the last steps before a panic attack which I don't fucking need. I'm outta here.
