Fucking weekend

[snowee]

On Friday, everyone is behind me in finding out who made this call, understanding that the person we suspect/suspected may have had more in mind and if she does, we need to get a restraining order before something bad happens - as if the visit from DCFS isn't bad enough. (I know it's good because nothing came of it, but I am bitterly fighting losing my daughter!)

Included amongst the supporters on Friday night was a sis-in-law I haven't really mentioned. W. She lives down the street and is considered by most of the family to be the best mother. I, personally, disagree, but this isn't about her parenting so I won't go into why I disagree.

Anyway, on Saturday, hubby went to niece/birth mother and asked her if she knew anything about it. I told him not to bring it up, but apparently he couldn't resist. She called sister to ask about it - curious I suppose - and that sister, my other niece, went crying to W. "Why does everyone pick on my mother!?"

Anyone who has read larue916's journal has an inkling as to why, but for my own purposes:
1) Because she has threatened to call DCFS and, essentially, stalk us so she can see Toria.
2) She just got out of jail and is pissed off at the world. She's laid up because her john/trick beat her up. What else does she have to do than think about not seeing Toria and the fact we won't let her and follow through with one of her threats?
3) She's a crack whore
4) it's something she would do
5) she's a thief
6) it is, in my estimation TOTALLY something she would do...

and so on.

Then she says "I ran to you [W] because you're the only one I can trust" What the HOLY HELL FUCK!? She has asked things of us only, maybe, 2 times in the last 2 years, but I have bent over backwards to do them for her. Twice she has told me about things and I have told her we're completely behind her if she needs anything.

On one of the occasions where we did her a favour, she turned around and betrayed our trust. We have never betrayed hers.

So W called us, told us this, and then said "maybe you should just drop it. Don't do anything unless it happens again"

What do you MEAN!? If it happens again, I'm going to fucking KILL SOME MOTHER FUCKER WHO HAD THE NERVE TO MESS WITH ME TWICE!!!!

W agreed with me on who I thought it was on Friday. On Saturday after A went crying to her (A is fucking 20, btw, and should be mature enough to realize that her mother is pure evil by now, but she has yet to grow up...) W suddenly says she thinks she has another suspicion and she never thought it was who I suspected it to be. She won't say who, though. Notice A didn't deny knowing her mother was involved (as far as I know.) Notice also that W is changing her tune. Hmm. Does this now sound like somehow A was involved? Knew it was going to happen? It would be SO like W to change her tune ONLY if she was protecting someone - and she doesn't protect us - only children - such as A.

So what pisses me off about that whole thing is that she told me to drop it. Somewhere in 24 hours, she decided that A's whiny ass defense of a mother who doesn't deserve to be defended (and who, btw, I treated with 100% respect despite all the pain she has caused this family but who I will no longer treat with that respect if I am given the chance) - A's crying because she refuses to see the truth was more important than my desire to protect my daughter from someone who is obviously out to ruin her life!

I mean, she is adopted. She will know that and I will always know that... which means I will always know that she isn't 100% mine. There will always always be that insecurity. Someone calling DCFS just reminds me that even if legally and emotionally she is mine, she isn't mine genetically - and that someone who is genetically linked might be out to get us - but it might not be her, truly. I realize that, but I'll never know. I'll never know!

I guess if A has found my LJ somehow, things are over between us now but I just had to vent... because I have never betrayed her and when she betrayed me I let it roll off my back; said nothing, did nothing, let her ask another favour and I did it. Why? just because she is my niece. Just because I care. Just because, you know? There was an offer of money involved, but that is NOT why I said yes. It was because A asked. That's all it takes with me.

Fuck W. I'm not dropping it. I did learn that we can't find out who did it because they truly did do it completely anonymous by the book, so instead I will fear. That's it. I'll fear that this child that is mine in almost every way is still not mine and that something might happen to break that. I know DCFS sees her the same way as if I gave birth to her. Legally they must, but emotionally it's going to play on me differently than on a mother who gave birth... and in some ways I'll admit it would be worse for a mother who gave birth to the child being taken away.

No, wait. I take that back. I see how it can be just as bad only in a different way. I ache. I'm tired of my anger. I'm spent.

At some point here I'm going to have to let it sink in deeply enough to cry. Hubby admitted that he already did. I have to wonder what the hell is wrong with me that I haven't. I can't fucking deal with this. I'm too hurt and angry. It's tough enough without wondering if the neighbours are watching my every move, if CrackWhore is going to get bored - maybe it wasn't her, but maybe next time it will be, if it was someone else all together, someone I care about deeply and didn't know they had it in them to betray me this way.


Finished Survivor by Chuck Palahniuk over the weekend. Started it last week. I liked it quite a bit. Uses satyr to show just how retarded our society has become - much like Fight Club (which he wrote, I haven't read, am assuming from the movie which I adore)

This morning I started Starship Titanic by Terry Jones from an idea by Douglas Adams. I think I'll go back to that now. Distraction, good. Continuing to think about that other stuff, BAD.