Fuck fuck fuck fuck
Jun. 10th, 2003 10:39 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
snoweeMother mother fuck. Mother mother fuck fuck.
-Jay, Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back
Or something to that effect. So, weekend was good, considering. This post's really for me and anyone who likes to read other people's bitches. It's long, so I'm hiding it here.
FUCK WEDDINGS!
My sister's getting married. Heeyah, I suppose. She's 30 and is one of those people who has always ALWAYS wanted to get married and have kids. I mean, I can at least say that she wasn't a pathetic blob who went from man to man because she thought she needed one to make her important - in fact she's had all of 4 since dating age unless I'm forgetting one. (I think the longest lasted a year) Anyway, so her dream/mission in life is being fulfilled.
And on Sunday we went to the park so I could take their engagement photos. I know brides get flighty, but she had me at the end of my rope by the time Sunday came. Friday I get the call. "Can you do it Sunday?" "Yeah, I'm available between about 1 o'clock and 7 o'clock." "Ok, let's say around one." Friday afternoon. "Can we move it to Saturday? We're painting all morning and thought if we did it in the afternoon we could go to this dinner Sunday with Phil's friend in Provo" (Provo, 40 minute or so drive so they need a cushion. I get that.) "Yeah, ok. I'm heading to bed here so call me in the morning with a time." "OK." Saturday morning. She doesn't call. I call her. "What's up?" "Well, I need a nap (We'll get to the nap shit in a moment. All you need to know is that the word nap escaping her lips is such an annoying subject.) So we're going to work, then I'm going to nap. If we do it early tomorrow, we can be to this dinner by four so can we move it back to Sunday?" {ponder - this is my sister and growing up we were best friends, so what am I really gonna say?} "Yeah, that's cool." So I talk to sister in law. She wants pictures with her hubby. I say "Great, we'll do it after Karina and Phil." but Karina doesn't call to set up an exact time until Sunday morning - and I was too busy the rest of Saturday to give a crap.
Sunday, when she did call, she didn’t ask. She informed me she would come an hour early so I could curl her hair. BUY SOME FUCKING CURLERS AND WEAR THEM TO BED! Why am I always curling her hair with a curling iron whenever she wants to look nice!? Because I'm her sister so I won't say no. That's why. I admit it. I hate girl shit! She's so damned vain, but I'm getting to that too.
She arrives, sets down the box, tells me she's getting married. Yeah, up to this point they were just "pics of me and Phil" but I'm not fucking stupid enough to not catch on that they were engagement photos, but whatever. Now she'd officially told me. Then she says they have this book to write down all the things they needed to do because "We know how flighty brides can get. Right Laura?"
OH FUCK YOU! And this is where the righteous indignation begins. Karina has been planning her wedding since she was a teen. She was one of those girls who wore a pillowcase and carried around a plastic flower thingy my mom kept on the back of the damned toilet as a bouquet when she was 8. She likes to claim she's not a girly girl, but she's fucking vain as hell and wants to be a mom and be taken care of. Fuck that. She says she was the tomboy. Yeah, we played Remington Steele (no laughing) and I played Remmy while she was Laura Holt. Who's the tomboy here!? I mean I... could start a whole new thing on that so I will, but not right here.
Anyway, I wasn't one of those who swore I'd never get married exactly. I was just one of those girls who was going about life, getting my education, working, etc. My long range goals included a job, a small but nice house of my own (so I wouldn’t have to clean) or maybe a condo if it wasn't apartment style and noisy like some condo complexes. I had Rockee, my baby, my kitty, and I'd get a car, maybe someday build up old cars as a hobby.
And I'm not upset that life didn't go that way for me, but do you see that the thought of an S.O. didn't even enter? I wasn't denying, I just had no desire. Actually, hubby's theory as we were discussing the other day is that's why I ended up with him. He isn't a typical male or a typical spouse who expects me to answer to him. There is very little typical about him, really, though I think most people don't know him as well as I do. Anyway, I suspect if anyone else had come along I wouldn't have been more than friends – oh yeah {sarcasm} that's right. There were other men in my life from teenage years on. They were all friends and I never wanted anything more. Neither did they so it worked out, but I just... had no desires. My hormones really, honest to god, did not kick in until I was something like 25.
Ok, so hubby, faboo guy that he is, wanted to be completely involved in wedding plans. He was there to shop for flowers, reception areas, invites, etc etc etc. My mom made the dresses because I was very specific about wanting a sort of Victorian look that was much more authentic than those retarded prom dresses. I had to buy my first bridal magazine to come up with a clue about a wedding dress – and sadly only liked parts of several so I designed my own which Mom also made. Beautifully, I might add. I used Mom's crown and made a new veil/fixed up the crown. I asked Karina to do about 5 things. She did 2. I thanked her – I remember with 100% clarity that I thanked her each time. Not just a "thanks" but a "I really appreciate your help" sincere sort of thing.
Then on my wedding day. MY DAY, her friend confronts me to say that Karina didn't feel appreciated. Appreciated for what? For encouraging Mom to make dresses for my nieces so they could carry my 5 inch train when I'd asked a dozen times NOT to do it? For being too busy doing her OWN makeup (vanity issue!!) to pass out flowers or take care of the last minute details before the ceremony? For not getting my garter for me or the suspenders for my ring bearer?
But I swallowed my pride and took her aside. Friend mentioned above took a picture of Karina and I standing off to one side. I don't know what the FUCK Karina remembers us doing there because I said "In case I didn't thank you" LIE, I KNOW I DID "I want you to know that I really appreciate all the things you did"N'T FUCKING DO! And do you know what she still claims to this day? She did everything for me and I did nothing and I never even thanked her for it. And you know, I asked her about that pic. She doesn't remember when that was. Whatever.
FUCK YOU, BITCH!
And now she has the nerve to start making requests of me. She started dating Phil like 2 months ago. They are planning to wed in October. At least our engagement was like 8 months. And the thing is, I know I'm going to do what she asks me because I'm not petty enough to NOT do it, just because she is still daring to call me flighty.
I'm the tomboy! And family issues
I'm actually not the tomboy. I'm not the anything. I refuse to put labels on myself. Sure, it'd be cool to say I'm goth, but really, that just means I have to live up to this goth label. I'd like to say I'm a tomboy because I run and jump and climb trees – or at least I did as a kid – and I am still sort of... well, for some reason, this example jumps to mind. When the guys plan a night out without their female S.O.'s, I'm oddly still invited. Okay, so point is, I am definitely lower maintenance than my sister. I'm less vain and not because I think it's pointless. I believe I'm at least as cute as her, but I don't need all that fucking makeup. She claims her skin looks young, but that’s bullshit. It looks like trash because she puts on makeup to paint the walls in her house.
But it's not just about looks. It's attitude too, just harder to put into words. I have no belief in price charming coming to save me, or anyone for that matter. I save myself. She claims to save herself, but she was really just waiting for a man, I promise. I know it sounds like I did 'cause I'm here and married and with kid, but you know, I made each of those choices. I never waited around for them to happen and I am still not waiting around for anything to happen. I just... it really is hard to describe unless you know me really well, but it's just that Karina is such a girl and I think I am not, but will admit that once in a while I like to dress nice, wear makeup, be noticed, be treated with kid gloves - for a couple of hours, okay? Scott opens my door when we go on dates, but no other time because he knows better. Anyway, that's the label thing again. I'm not girly girl, but that doesn't mean I'm 100% not. I do what I want whenever.
Anyway, so I suspect that she looks younger around the eyes (as she claims, but she compares herself to models who've been on heroin since they were 15) because she naps. MY GOD, does she nap. Here's the napping issue. See, she gets up late for work because she oversleeps. Rushes to work. Takes a nap in her car at lunch. Comes home from work. Eats dinner. Takes a nap. Gets up around 8 to do anything she needs to do, goes to bed by 9. Wakes up late for work. Saturdays nearly always look like this: She rolls out of bed around 9 or 10. She does something house related – gardening, painting, whipping the house into shape. Has lunch. Takes nap. Goes out with someone to either shop for house or to actually, you know, VISIT, goes home, in bed by ten. Sunday. Up, church (3 hours) home. Nap. Nap until 6 or 7, watch TV, then nap.
Mom and I are out running some errands. (We have one car right now so Mom drives me around, which is cool with her) and we'll be talking and I'll say I didn't get something done, whatever. Example. "Well, I only got half the tomatoes planted." "Oh? Is there a problem? Do you need more cages?" "No, Toria took her nap so I took the opportunity to take a nap 'cause I was tired that day." "You know, that's what it's like for mom's"
Well, fuck off, I'm thinking, because when her eldest were little, my grandma helped out and babysat 3-4 times a week so Mom could nap or do whatever. Then they got older and helped take care of the little babies. I don't ask that favour of my mom because a) I don't need that much help and b) Mom is already nanny to my niece.
So, I'm telling Karina that it bugs me just slightly that Mom acts like I must have been whining up a storm just because I said I was tired and she says "Well, you know Mom." And then she has to get off the phone to take a nap. Then Friday morning when Karina called, she had the nerve to say the following. "Morning" Me: "Hi, how’re you?" Karina: "More tired than you sound" Me: {blink} I didn’t even FUCKING say ANYTHING. I actually wasn't that tired, but I had allergies bad enough to make my voice a little raspy, but that's beside the point. FUCK OFF!
Anyway, so yeah. I do know Mom. Want to know what I know about Mom? I know when Karina was 17, Mom made her curfew 11 o'clock because something bad could happen to her, you know? When I was 17 I stayed out later and later, testing the curfew because Karina at 17 once came home at 11:15 and got yelled at. My curfew had never been made clear. Once I came home the next morning, still high and drunk from the night before. Stumbling a tad and walked to my room by two guys and a girl (the guys were both in love with my girlfriend, but that's beside the point) I went to bed. Got out of bed sometime later that afternoon and walked into family room. Mom says "So, staying out all night and sleeping all day. Is this what you're doing now?" I said "Yes." She said nothing. Neither did Dad who watched and went back to reading his paper. Yeah, you're worried Karina could get raped and killed, but me? I can hold my fucking booze so don't worry about it. Bitch.
Why I even bothered with a wedding and my thoughts about marriage
Know what else I know? (For those just entering, this a rant about my mother.) Scott and I picked out our engagement rings, but I wanted a specific stone that was only sold one place (there are a few more places that have Alexandrite now, but then, it was just the one) and I didn't like the settings at that place so he had to take the ring we chose to the other place to get a new setting and the stone added. This was going to take 2 weeks by which time I was going to be back at college for summer semester, thereby delaying the official engagement a couple months. I told Mom I wanted to talk about making dresses for my wedding and she said "Oh, I think we'd better wait." I said "We already talked about it. He's just got to get the stone setting." "Later." So, I'm thinking fine. Just fine. Once it was official, she still put me off for a couple of months before even starting anything.
Karina and my mom started making her wedding dress six months ago, before she even started dating Phil, before they were friends – they had met a couple times at church is ALL – because they wanted to be ready when she did decide to get married "someday". Now Karina's looking at a 4 month engagement and an affair far more grand than mine (though she thinks it's simple. Whatever) and Mom's doing everything for her... even asked me to help make some of the dresses.
I wish I had fucking eloped. Problem is, at 21/22 I was still doing a lot of what was expected of me. I still did things to make myself happy, but if there was an expectation and I didn't care much, I just went along with the grain – because it's easier. In Utah, marriage is expected. It's not just expected, it's practically required. I mean, girls here sit around talking like marriage is the single most important thing, like that's what they are waiting for. A rare few, I'm cool with because I know it would make them happy, but the rest just do it because the church says so. Whatever. I was always made to feel like a failure because a man wasn't in my long range plans. I was always outcast because I didn't think there was anything that special about dating. It didn't bother me, though, because why answer to anyone? Besides, it wasn't new. Most of my opinions and thoughts had me outcast since I was a youngun.
So when Scott and I re-met, became friends, then started dating, I called it hanging out with a friend because I was reluctant to date. It wasn't until we kissed that I kind of had to accept that this wasn't just hangin'. The most troubling part was that I loved him and rather liked the idea of spending my life with him. I couldn't commit to shit, I had even bounced to 3 colleges because staying in one place, committing to one degree was too much for me. I have never, honestly, held a job for a long time. Not because I get fired or can't handle it. It's because I get bored so I find another job and bounce around. I cannot commit.
So the thought of being with him was fucking new to me. I went with the wedding thing because that was the thing to do and the thought of eloping or living together didn't actually cross my mind. It just wasn't done.
And now that I've grown up I wish I had done those things because a wedding is just a wedding and if I'd done it in Vegas, Karina could hold nothing against me, my friend wouldn't have had to worry about the fact that she couldn't make it for my wedding, all the other thousands of things that went wrong, but I didn't give a shit about because the thing that was important was the thing we could have done so much faster, cheaper, and without shit by running off.
So, my advice, fuck what anyone tells you. If you think you could be just as content eloping or not getting married at all, don't fucking do it. Let the thought of not getting caught up in shit cross your mind!
I got a suck
Toria fell while I was out on Sunday. She pointed to it and whimpered. I said "Did you get hurt? That must suck." Now she calls it a suck, not an owie. LOL, it's cute.
Today's lyrics
Kick Some Ass
Stroke 9
How many people wanna kick some ass?
I used to be a nerd
Grew up in the suburbs
Nothing there ever went wrong
I made it up in this song
I talk about the hood
I say stuff like it's all good
Tell people I'm down with all the cool kids downtown
When I've never even been there
How many people wanna kick some ass?
I do I do
And how many people sick of holding it back?
I am
Well I am too
So don't lay another finger on her
She's mine and I still want her
If you put your hands upon her
You're a goner goner
And how many people sick of holding it back?
I am I am
And how many people wanna kick some ass?
I would if I could
But I'm really just a sensitive artist
Perpetrating like I am the hardest
So spin your cap around to the back
You think you rhyme but you can't rap
Loosen that strap a little more
Till your axe hits the floor
Flip off your fans
Make em cheer
Try to look sincere
Anger today's fashion
So sing another song about bashing someone's head in
How many people wanna kick some ass?
I do I do
And how many people sick of holding it back?
I am
Well I am too
So don't lay another finger on her
She's mine and I still want her
If you put your hands upon her
You're a goner goner
And how many people sick of holding it back?
I am I am
And how many people wanna kick some ass?
I would if I could
But I'm really just a sensitive artist
Perpetrating like I am the hardest
Acting like I'm not the smartest
I'm really just a sensitive artist
Awwwww Yeahhhh
So don't lay another finger on her
She's mine and I still want her
If you put your hands upon her
You're a goner goner
And how many people sick of holding it back?
I am I am
And how many people wanna kick some ass?
I said how many people wanna kick some ass?
How many people wanna kick some ass?
Whatcha gonna do when your sick of holding it back?
I think I kick some ass
How many people wanna kick some ass?
I would if I could
But I'm really just a sensitive artist
Perpetrating like I am the hardest
Acting like I'm not the smartest
I'm really just a sensitive artist
Honest
Thing that sucks right now is I feel myself slipping. I'll leave that vague because it's really for me to remember, to know. It's just sliding and I'm not sure if I can fix it this time before it goes to the place I know it's going to go. {grunt}
-Jay, Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back
Or something to that effect. So, weekend was good, considering. This post's really for me and anyone who likes to read other people's bitches. It's long, so I'm hiding it here.
FUCK WEDDINGS!
My sister's getting married. Heeyah, I suppose. She's 30 and is one of those people who has always ALWAYS wanted to get married and have kids. I mean, I can at least say that she wasn't a pathetic blob who went from man to man because she thought she needed one to make her important - in fact she's had all of 4 since dating age unless I'm forgetting one. (I think the longest lasted a year) Anyway, so her dream/mission in life is being fulfilled.
And on Sunday we went to the park so I could take their engagement photos. I know brides get flighty, but she had me at the end of my rope by the time Sunday came. Friday I get the call. "Can you do it Sunday?" "Yeah, I'm available between about 1 o'clock and 7 o'clock." "Ok, let's say around one." Friday afternoon. "Can we move it to Saturday? We're painting all morning and thought if we did it in the afternoon we could go to this dinner Sunday with Phil's friend in Provo" (Provo, 40 minute or so drive so they need a cushion. I get that.) "Yeah, ok. I'm heading to bed here so call me in the morning with a time." "OK." Saturday morning. She doesn't call. I call her. "What's up?" "Well, I need a nap (We'll get to the nap shit in a moment. All you need to know is that the word nap escaping her lips is such an annoying subject.) So we're going to work, then I'm going to nap. If we do it early tomorrow, we can be to this dinner by four so can we move it back to Sunday?" {ponder - this is my sister and growing up we were best friends, so what am I really gonna say?} "Yeah, that's cool." So I talk to sister in law. She wants pictures with her hubby. I say "Great, we'll do it after Karina and Phil." but Karina doesn't call to set up an exact time until Sunday morning - and I was too busy the rest of Saturday to give a crap.
Sunday, when she did call, she didn’t ask. She informed me she would come an hour early so I could curl her hair. BUY SOME FUCKING CURLERS AND WEAR THEM TO BED! Why am I always curling her hair with a curling iron whenever she wants to look nice!? Because I'm her sister so I won't say no. That's why. I admit it. I hate girl shit! She's so damned vain, but I'm getting to that too.
She arrives, sets down the box, tells me she's getting married. Yeah, up to this point they were just "pics of me and Phil" but I'm not fucking stupid enough to not catch on that they were engagement photos, but whatever. Now she'd officially told me. Then she says they have this book to write down all the things they needed to do because "We know how flighty brides can get. Right Laura?"
OH FUCK YOU! And this is where the righteous indignation begins. Karina has been planning her wedding since she was a teen. She was one of those girls who wore a pillowcase and carried around a plastic flower thingy my mom kept on the back of the damned toilet as a bouquet when she was 8. She likes to claim she's not a girly girl, but she's fucking vain as hell and wants to be a mom and be taken care of. Fuck that. She says she was the tomboy. Yeah, we played Remington Steele (no laughing) and I played Remmy while she was Laura Holt. Who's the tomboy here!? I mean I... could start a whole new thing on that so I will, but not right here.
Anyway, I wasn't one of those who swore I'd never get married exactly. I was just one of those girls who was going about life, getting my education, working, etc. My long range goals included a job, a small but nice house of my own (so I wouldn’t have to clean) or maybe a condo if it wasn't apartment style and noisy like some condo complexes. I had Rockee, my baby, my kitty, and I'd get a car, maybe someday build up old cars as a hobby.
And I'm not upset that life didn't go that way for me, but do you see that the thought of an S.O. didn't even enter? I wasn't denying, I just had no desire. Actually, hubby's theory as we were discussing the other day is that's why I ended up with him. He isn't a typical male or a typical spouse who expects me to answer to him. There is very little typical about him, really, though I think most people don't know him as well as I do. Anyway, I suspect if anyone else had come along I wouldn't have been more than friends – oh yeah {sarcasm} that's right. There were other men in my life from teenage years on. They were all friends and I never wanted anything more. Neither did they so it worked out, but I just... had no desires. My hormones really, honest to god, did not kick in until I was something like 25.
Ok, so hubby, faboo guy that he is, wanted to be completely involved in wedding plans. He was there to shop for flowers, reception areas, invites, etc etc etc. My mom made the dresses because I was very specific about wanting a sort of Victorian look that was much more authentic than those retarded prom dresses. I had to buy my first bridal magazine to come up with a clue about a wedding dress – and sadly only liked parts of several so I designed my own which Mom also made. Beautifully, I might add. I used Mom's crown and made a new veil/fixed up the crown. I asked Karina to do about 5 things. She did 2. I thanked her – I remember with 100% clarity that I thanked her each time. Not just a "thanks" but a "I really appreciate your help" sincere sort of thing.
Then on my wedding day. MY DAY, her friend confronts me to say that Karina didn't feel appreciated. Appreciated for what? For encouraging Mom to make dresses for my nieces so they could carry my 5 inch train when I'd asked a dozen times NOT to do it? For being too busy doing her OWN makeup (vanity issue!!) to pass out flowers or take care of the last minute details before the ceremony? For not getting my garter for me or the suspenders for my ring bearer?
But I swallowed my pride and took her aside. Friend mentioned above took a picture of Karina and I standing off to one side. I don't know what the FUCK Karina remembers us doing there because I said "In case I didn't thank you" LIE, I KNOW I DID "I want you to know that I really appreciate all the things you did"N'T FUCKING DO! And do you know what she still claims to this day? She did everything for me and I did nothing and I never even thanked her for it. And you know, I asked her about that pic. She doesn't remember when that was. Whatever.
FUCK YOU, BITCH!
And now she has the nerve to start making requests of me. She started dating Phil like 2 months ago. They are planning to wed in October. At least our engagement was like 8 months. And the thing is, I know I'm going to do what she asks me because I'm not petty enough to NOT do it, just because she is still daring to call me flighty.
I'm the tomboy! And family issues
I'm actually not the tomboy. I'm not the anything. I refuse to put labels on myself. Sure, it'd be cool to say I'm goth, but really, that just means I have to live up to this goth label. I'd like to say I'm a tomboy because I run and jump and climb trees – or at least I did as a kid – and I am still sort of... well, for some reason, this example jumps to mind. When the guys plan a night out without their female S.O.'s, I'm oddly still invited. Okay, so point is, I am definitely lower maintenance than my sister. I'm less vain and not because I think it's pointless. I believe I'm at least as cute as her, but I don't need all that fucking makeup. She claims her skin looks young, but that’s bullshit. It looks like trash because she puts on makeup to paint the walls in her house.
But it's not just about looks. It's attitude too, just harder to put into words. I have no belief in price charming coming to save me, or anyone for that matter. I save myself. She claims to save herself, but she was really just waiting for a man, I promise. I know it sounds like I did 'cause I'm here and married and with kid, but you know, I made each of those choices. I never waited around for them to happen and I am still not waiting around for anything to happen. I just... it really is hard to describe unless you know me really well, but it's just that Karina is such a girl and I think I am not, but will admit that once in a while I like to dress nice, wear makeup, be noticed, be treated with kid gloves - for a couple of hours, okay? Scott opens my door when we go on dates, but no other time because he knows better. Anyway, that's the label thing again. I'm not girly girl, but that doesn't mean I'm 100% not. I do what I want whenever.
Anyway, so I suspect that she looks younger around the eyes (as she claims, but she compares herself to models who've been on heroin since they were 15) because she naps. MY GOD, does she nap. Here's the napping issue. See, she gets up late for work because she oversleeps. Rushes to work. Takes a nap in her car at lunch. Comes home from work. Eats dinner. Takes a nap. Gets up around 8 to do anything she needs to do, goes to bed by 9. Wakes up late for work. Saturdays nearly always look like this: She rolls out of bed around 9 or 10. She does something house related – gardening, painting, whipping the house into shape. Has lunch. Takes nap. Goes out with someone to either shop for house or to actually, you know, VISIT, goes home, in bed by ten. Sunday. Up, church (3 hours) home. Nap. Nap until 6 or 7, watch TV, then nap.
Mom and I are out running some errands. (We have one car right now so Mom drives me around, which is cool with her) and we'll be talking and I'll say I didn't get something done, whatever. Example. "Well, I only got half the tomatoes planted." "Oh? Is there a problem? Do you need more cages?" "No, Toria took her nap so I took the opportunity to take a nap 'cause I was tired that day." "You know, that's what it's like for mom's"
Well, fuck off, I'm thinking, because when her eldest were little, my grandma helped out and babysat 3-4 times a week so Mom could nap or do whatever. Then they got older and helped take care of the little babies. I don't ask that favour of my mom because a) I don't need that much help and b) Mom is already nanny to my niece.
So, I'm telling Karina that it bugs me just slightly that Mom acts like I must have been whining up a storm just because I said I was tired and she says "Well, you know Mom." And then she has to get off the phone to take a nap. Then Friday morning when Karina called, she had the nerve to say the following. "Morning" Me: "Hi, how’re you?" Karina: "More tired than you sound" Me: {blink} I didn’t even FUCKING say ANYTHING. I actually wasn't that tired, but I had allergies bad enough to make my voice a little raspy, but that's beside the point. FUCK OFF!
Anyway, so yeah. I do know Mom. Want to know what I know about Mom? I know when Karina was 17, Mom made her curfew 11 o'clock because something bad could happen to her, you know? When I was 17 I stayed out later and later, testing the curfew because Karina at 17 once came home at 11:15 and got yelled at. My curfew had never been made clear. Once I came home the next morning, still high and drunk from the night before. Stumbling a tad and walked to my room by two guys and a girl (the guys were both in love with my girlfriend, but that's beside the point) I went to bed. Got out of bed sometime later that afternoon and walked into family room. Mom says "So, staying out all night and sleeping all day. Is this what you're doing now?" I said "Yes." She said nothing. Neither did Dad who watched and went back to reading his paper. Yeah, you're worried Karina could get raped and killed, but me? I can hold my fucking booze so don't worry about it. Bitch.
Why I even bothered with a wedding and my thoughts about marriage
Know what else I know? (For those just entering, this a rant about my mother.) Scott and I picked out our engagement rings, but I wanted a specific stone that was only sold one place (there are a few more places that have Alexandrite now, but then, it was just the one) and I didn't like the settings at that place so he had to take the ring we chose to the other place to get a new setting and the stone added. This was going to take 2 weeks by which time I was going to be back at college for summer semester, thereby delaying the official engagement a couple months. I told Mom I wanted to talk about making dresses for my wedding and she said "Oh, I think we'd better wait." I said "We already talked about it. He's just got to get the stone setting." "Later." So, I'm thinking fine. Just fine. Once it was official, she still put me off for a couple of months before even starting anything.
Karina and my mom started making her wedding dress six months ago, before she even started dating Phil, before they were friends – they had met a couple times at church is ALL – because they wanted to be ready when she did decide to get married "someday". Now Karina's looking at a 4 month engagement and an affair far more grand than mine (though she thinks it's simple. Whatever) and Mom's doing everything for her... even asked me to help make some of the dresses.
I wish I had fucking eloped. Problem is, at 21/22 I was still doing a lot of what was expected of me. I still did things to make myself happy, but if there was an expectation and I didn't care much, I just went along with the grain – because it's easier. In Utah, marriage is expected. It's not just expected, it's practically required. I mean, girls here sit around talking like marriage is the single most important thing, like that's what they are waiting for. A rare few, I'm cool with because I know it would make them happy, but the rest just do it because the church says so. Whatever. I was always made to feel like a failure because a man wasn't in my long range plans. I was always outcast because I didn't think there was anything that special about dating. It didn't bother me, though, because why answer to anyone? Besides, it wasn't new. Most of my opinions and thoughts had me outcast since I was a youngun.
So when Scott and I re-met, became friends, then started dating, I called it hanging out with a friend because I was reluctant to date. It wasn't until we kissed that I kind of had to accept that this wasn't just hangin'. The most troubling part was that I loved him and rather liked the idea of spending my life with him. I couldn't commit to shit, I had even bounced to 3 colleges because staying in one place, committing to one degree was too much for me. I have never, honestly, held a job for a long time. Not because I get fired or can't handle it. It's because I get bored so I find another job and bounce around. I cannot commit.
So the thought of being with him was fucking new to me. I went with the wedding thing because that was the thing to do and the thought of eloping or living together didn't actually cross my mind. It just wasn't done.
And now that I've grown up I wish I had done those things because a wedding is just a wedding and if I'd done it in Vegas, Karina could hold nothing against me, my friend wouldn't have had to worry about the fact that she couldn't make it for my wedding, all the other thousands of things that went wrong, but I didn't give a shit about because the thing that was important was the thing we could have done so much faster, cheaper, and without shit by running off.
So, my advice, fuck what anyone tells you. If you think you could be just as content eloping or not getting married at all, don't fucking do it. Let the thought of not getting caught up in shit cross your mind!
I got a suck
Toria fell while I was out on Sunday. She pointed to it and whimpered. I said "Did you get hurt? That must suck." Now she calls it a suck, not an owie. LOL, it's cute.
Today's lyrics
Kick Some Ass
Stroke 9
How many people wanna kick some ass?
I used to be a nerd
Grew up in the suburbs
Nothing there ever went wrong
I made it up in this song
I talk about the hood
I say stuff like it's all good
Tell people I'm down with all the cool kids downtown
When I've never even been there
How many people wanna kick some ass?
I do I do
And how many people sick of holding it back?
I am
Well I am too
So don't lay another finger on her
She's mine and I still want her
If you put your hands upon her
You're a goner goner
And how many people sick of holding it back?
I am I am
And how many people wanna kick some ass?
I would if I could
But I'm really just a sensitive artist
Perpetrating like I am the hardest
So spin your cap around to the back
You think you rhyme but you can't rap
Loosen that strap a little more
Till your axe hits the floor
Flip off your fans
Make em cheer
Try to look sincere
Anger today's fashion
So sing another song about bashing someone's head in
How many people wanna kick some ass?
I do I do
And how many people sick of holding it back?
I am
Well I am too
So don't lay another finger on her
She's mine and I still want her
If you put your hands upon her
You're a goner goner
And how many people sick of holding it back?
I am I am
And how many people wanna kick some ass?
I would if I could
But I'm really just a sensitive artist
Perpetrating like I am the hardest
Acting like I'm not the smartest
I'm really just a sensitive artist
Awwwww Yeahhhh
So don't lay another finger on her
She's mine and I still want her
If you put your hands upon her
You're a goner goner
And how many people sick of holding it back?
I am I am
And how many people wanna kick some ass?
I said how many people wanna kick some ass?
How many people wanna kick some ass?
Whatcha gonna do when your sick of holding it back?
I think I kick some ass
How many people wanna kick some ass?
I would if I could
But I'm really just a sensitive artist
Perpetrating like I am the hardest
Acting like I'm not the smartest
I'm really just a sensitive artist
Honest
Thing that sucks right now is I feel myself slipping. I'll leave that vague because it's really for me to remember, to know. It's just sliding and I'm not sure if I can fix it this time before it goes to the place I know it's going to go. {grunt}
