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Rambling pensive observations
Aug. 19th, 2003 02:42 pmHow can one make their insides match their outsides? (I mean, other than wearing a bodysuit with the stuff painted on like... Mr Anatomy or whatever he was called)
I just look back and feel like a big fat liar - in some ways - because I believe that I don't hide myself anymore the way I did all the time growing up, but I realize that the things I'm saying and talking about are miles away from where I really am.
And because I tell people to be themselves and tell myself I'm being myself, I'm a big liar.
Though, I'm better. I have to keep reminding myself of that. As a teen I seemed like a good little mormon girl with good little mormon girl thoughts and feelings and though I slipped into depression a few times back then, I still came off mostly as Happy Chick.
At least now if I disagree, I'll tell you. At least now if you ask me what I think, I'll tell you. At least now I have some understanding of emotions and seem fairly well adjusted. (Despite the good girl rep, the psychologist saw through that and called me "stunted"... but we won't go there.)
Yet I still wonder how I made it through the last month with one entry saying I was having a shit day and the rest of them coming off like things are great? I'm confused as to how I can read my chipper posts and remember the time around them and think "I sounded so chipper. Maybe things weren't that bad" but I they were and are and I can't believe I found anything good to say through all the shit. it's a good thing, yes, but I feel like I'm betraying myself by not matching my outsides to my insides.
Just pondering aloud. Ignore me.
I just look back and feel like a big fat liar - in some ways - because I believe that I don't hide myself anymore the way I did all the time growing up, but I realize that the things I'm saying and talking about are miles away from where I really am.
And because I tell people to be themselves and tell myself I'm being myself, I'm a big liar.
Though, I'm better. I have to keep reminding myself of that. As a teen I seemed like a good little mormon girl with good little mormon girl thoughts and feelings and though I slipped into depression a few times back then, I still came off mostly as Happy Chick.
At least now if I disagree, I'll tell you. At least now if you ask me what I think, I'll tell you. At least now I have some understanding of emotions and seem fairly well adjusted. (Despite the good girl rep, the psychologist saw through that and called me "stunted"... but we won't go there.)
Yet I still wonder how I made it through the last month with one entry saying I was having a shit day and the rest of them coming off like things are great? I'm confused as to how I can read my chipper posts and remember the time around them and think "I sounded so chipper. Maybe things weren't that bad" but I they were and are and I can't believe I found anything good to say through all the shit. it's a good thing, yes, but I feel like I'm betraying myself by not matching my outsides to my insides.
Just pondering aloud. Ignore me.
