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May. 25th, 2007 09:24 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
snoweeI have absolutely no doubt in my mind that my perspective is completely skewed by my circumstances.
I'm reading this book loaned to me by my sister. Just over half-way through and in general I actually think it's pretty good. (Time Traveler's Wife by Audrey Niffenegger).
However, she's at the bit now where they're trying to have a baby and I just read something that flooded a whole load of things into my brain at once. I hear a lot of things, as we all do, but a lot of what I hear about conception and adoption sticks.
This will probably be all over the place. Let's start with the book. She says (and in the context of the book I realize she was trying to make a different point, but...) that adopting a baby would be fake. It would be pretending.
And then I think about all the times I've heard women say they don't want to adopt because they want a baby of their own.
And all the times I have heard that they'll feel empty if they don't have a baby of their own.
And especially all the times I have heard "There is no other option."
Granted, I do not know ALL of these people personally. Mostly it's off TV, out of the newspaper, or even in passing at a restaurant. That's why I don't usually have the luxury of calling those women selfish cunts.
Not that they really are. They just don't get it. They don't! I cannot be more of a Mom to Victoria even if she had come from my own womb. Of course, since I haven't had one from my own womb, I suppose I cannot dispute this with myself. I don't even know how to put what I'm saying into words. I guess it makes me wonder if these people are having kids for the wrong reasons. Self-glorification? Someone to look up to you? Love YOU unconditionally? No. It's not a child's job to do these things. It YOUR job to love your kid unconditionally and don't bother if you don't have love to give and if you have love to give, who cares if it is an adopted child?
Maybe I'm the one who doesn't get it. I recently met a woman at daughter's school who has two adopted children and one of her own. Same age. She says it's different... sometimes feels like she's babysitting the adopted ones. Still, she says, she loves them and wouldn't give them up. That's the whole point.
And then there's the whole thing which I actually covered briefly in a fanfic I once wrote. Selfishness. I really don't know how much my niece heard this herself, but I do know that I've heard girls being told by their parents (and "friends") that giving up a baby is selfish. The assumption, I guess, is that they're just doing it so they can go on partying. Once you become pregnant, don't you automatically bond with that child? So with that in mind, I think giving up a baby so that THE BABY can have a better life is the most selfLESS thing anyone can do. (The point I made in my fic is that it depends on why you are giving up or keeping the baby, not which you choose.)
It can't be easy. I get that. It's not like it was easy for me to bond with my daughter. It took time, indeed, but she's my daughter and I would throw myself in front of a bus for her and there is nothing fake about this. I have not spent any time or money trying to conceive one of my own. I probably never will. I realize I'm only 32, but there has been no clicking of any biological clocks on my watch. The attitude that a child must be yours genetically is completely misguided. If you have the love, you'll find a fit.
Damn. I should write a book about this someday. Self-help/enlightenment or something.
I don't know, though. It felt like I had a lot more important things to say when I started, but it's gone now. Perhaps for the best.
I'm reading this book loaned to me by my sister. Just over half-way through and in general I actually think it's pretty good. (Time Traveler's Wife by Audrey Niffenegger).
However, she's at the bit now where they're trying to have a baby and I just read something that flooded a whole load of things into my brain at once. I hear a lot of things, as we all do, but a lot of what I hear about conception and adoption sticks.
This will probably be all over the place. Let's start with the book. She says (and in the context of the book I realize she was trying to make a different point, but...) that adopting a baby would be fake. It would be pretending.
And then I think about all the times I've heard women say they don't want to adopt because they want a baby of their own.
And all the times I have heard that they'll feel empty if they don't have a baby of their own.
And especially all the times I have heard "There is no other option."
Granted, I do not know ALL of these people personally. Mostly it's off TV, out of the newspaper, or even in passing at a restaurant. That's why I don't usually have the luxury of calling those women selfish cunts.
Not that they really are. They just don't get it. They don't! I cannot be more of a Mom to Victoria even if she had come from my own womb. Of course, since I haven't had one from my own womb, I suppose I cannot dispute this with myself. I don't even know how to put what I'm saying into words. I guess it makes me wonder if these people are having kids for the wrong reasons. Self-glorification? Someone to look up to you? Love YOU unconditionally? No. It's not a child's job to do these things. It YOUR job to love your kid unconditionally and don't bother if you don't have love to give and if you have love to give, who cares if it is an adopted child?
Maybe I'm the one who doesn't get it. I recently met a woman at daughter's school who has two adopted children and one of her own. Same age. She says it's different... sometimes feels like she's babysitting the adopted ones. Still, she says, she loves them and wouldn't give them up. That's the whole point.
And then there's the whole thing which I actually covered briefly in a fanfic I once wrote. Selfishness. I really don't know how much my niece heard this herself, but I do know that I've heard girls being told by their parents (and "friends") that giving up a baby is selfish. The assumption, I guess, is that they're just doing it so they can go on partying. Once you become pregnant, don't you automatically bond with that child? So with that in mind, I think giving up a baby so that THE BABY can have a better life is the most selfLESS thing anyone can do. (The point I made in my fic is that it depends on why you are giving up or keeping the baby, not which you choose.)
It can't be easy. I get that. It's not like it was easy for me to bond with my daughter. It took time, indeed, but she's my daughter and I would throw myself in front of a bus for her and there is nothing fake about this. I have not spent any time or money trying to conceive one of my own. I probably never will. I realize I'm only 32, but there has been no clicking of any biological clocks on my watch. The attitude that a child must be yours genetically is completely misguided. If you have the love, you'll find a fit.
Damn. I should write a book about this someday. Self-help/enlightenment or something.
I don't know, though. It felt like I had a lot more important things to say when I started, but it's gone now. Perhaps for the best.
