snowee | My drama for the day

DCFS (department of children and family services) stopped by this morning. The report: child in the house is neglected. House is a complete disaster with piles of cat fur and feces all over the place. We have 20-30 cats. Child's feet are always black just from walking on the floors. Etc. Okay, you have no reason to believe me as you've never seen my house, but that is the biggest bullshit since Bundy said "I wouldn't hurt a fly!" My house is clean! Not spotless, admittedly, but I keep it picked up, cleaned surfaces, objects organized. We have 3 cats, that's all. I vacuum/sweep whenever a clump of cat hair dares escape the cat's bodies (I brush them constantly so this is a rare occurence anyway.) Her feet are clean. She's bathed every day and at its dirtiest, the floor might give a slight, very slight beige colouring to white socks. When we moved in, our feet got black because the previous tenant left this place disgusting. I spent 2 hours alone scrubbing the kitchen floors. I sterilized the place so that what dirt is here now is our dirt and... I stay at home. What the hell else do I do besides clean, play with my kid, and occasionally email my friends?!

The surprise visitor had a look around and immediately said it was very obvious to him that it was an unsubstantiated claim.

I actually have a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach that I know who was involved.

The thing is, when did calling dcfs - wasting time they could be following up on serious abuse and neglect charges - become a good way to get back at someone? The next thing is, in case it's not who I believe, how do I know who I can trust? Then I think what the hell? I am nice. I hold my tongue most of the time. I treat people with great respect and understanding. My return is that someone still gets pissed off enough to try vengeance!? I know that some people aren't going to like me, but I sure as hell wish they would use the policy I use with people I don't like - forget about them. They are obviously not important.

I talked to the guy on the phone later today. He really did assure me that he felt the claims were way out there - that it was obvious to him that it was entirely bogus but it was made anonymously. They had to follow up. I said I understand and I'm glad they do, but I still felt paranoid that maybe I wasn't doing my absolute best. He said he had to talk to someone outside the home to get a more impartial viewpoint, but as soon as he did what he was supposed to, he felt sure he could just close the file. I talked to Dad a few minutes ago. Apparently they called him and told him at the end of their conversation that they were closing the case, filing it away, nothing more to it.

It still makes me sick and paranoid. It still upsets me and makes me get into righteous indignation. I'm a good person. I respect people. I'm honest. All I can do now is try to instill the same things in my daughter - lead by example. Try to put it behind me, but can I still be pissed as bloody hell? I want to know without doubt, without suspicion, who said it...

...and go beat the shit out of them.
I don't think that's very respectful, kind, or forgiving, but I kinda want someone dead.

Trust no one Yeah. That's a good way to live life...

Cowardly anonymous caller. I mean, why were they afraid of going on record with this claim? Not because I am a vindictive person. I realize this person may have thought I would try to get revenge because it's what they would do, but... go ask anyone who has ever pissed me off. Did I go for revenge? No! I was honest about my feelings and the situation and that's the end of it. I mean - I had people telling me when I had problems with the birth mother to write her a letter. I'm not a child. I'm not a coward. I told her to her face and I realized I may have upset her, but a letter? That is the coward's way out and it doesn't allow the other person to have valid feelings of their own, really. I just won't hide and I won't apologize and I won't intentionally hurt or offend. Ever. Period. The end. No reasoning, no excuses. I just won't because that's me. I will, however, forgive. It's just hard to forgive a faceless, anonymous coward...

{deep cleaning breath} That was nasty to someone who may have had a valid reason for remaining anonymous so I will ask the universe forgiveness for that thought...

I mean, I guess if I am looking to the universe for all the possible answers, perhaps a bad person who doesn't like us told their friend a bunch of lies and got the friend to call it in. Theoretically possible. I forgive you, Coward...

I've really got to put this behind me, but I also have to get out this sick circle of thoughts.