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[personal profile] snowee
Apparently, I've basically set up the last few months to fuck up my life.

boutique
My sister talked me into joining this boutique. Sounded like fun. I don't have a lot of crafty stuff. I actually like to do it, but I quit because I suck at every fucking thing I try. Wood burned boxes, cute-ish, but not so much that people will buy them. Monster bags, awesome, but not awesome enough. Etc, etc.

Store owner died of breast cancer early June. Have we been paid? No. Is anyone willing to help with the basics like scheduling and advertising? No.

Missey...was special. She was one of those people who made everyone feel special. Frankly, I tolerated her. Working in the store, I had no fewer than a dozen people wander in and say "I'm Missey's best friend!" My sister who got me into the store thought she was Missey's best friend. How fake can a person be? Guess what? She probably didn't have any best friends. The second time I met her, she called me "friend" in a text and it made my skin crawl.

So we have at least a dozen people who should want to see this succeed because it was their "best friend's" dying wish. Why the fuck am I doing it? I took over the schedule last week and it's the first time we've been open 100% since April. What does that tell you?

But my sister has the list of who is in the store and who has pulled out. She knows what they sell and what kind of schedule they might have. She was in here working 4 hours yesterday and was supposed to fill in the schedule. I get here and it's not filled in so I ask her who she called. "No one." WTF? So I get hung up on, find out two people who aren't in the store so kind of pissed that I even called, and leave messages. The store will not be 100% this week unless a miracle happens.

Why do I care? Don't know. Just having anxiety that I need to make it happen even though I am the only one who cares. I have about 10 items in the store. Most ladies have loads and loads of stuff, but I have enough to fill one tiny shelf and I'm both paying the same booth fee as well as all this? COME ON! We had a meeting to ask who cared and all the people at the meeting said they do, but where are they now?

My sister was supposed to put together a sidewalk sale last Saturday. We have this couple who puts up tents, does bubbles and other stuff, lots of attention, etc. Guess what? The only people who heard about the sale were the ones I notified myself because I grabbed emails and facebook and put out a post/email. Guess what else? When I got there, nothing was done. Nothing. No prep. I had to throw it together in 10 minutes, but I couldn't yell at her because she also happened to get laid of Friday afternoon. She had basically put off everything until Friday, then was too depressed to do anything. This is the second time she's been laid off because they wanted to give her job to someone who was part time and make them the full time employee. Twice in about 2 years. What does that tell you!? But it's their fault. She is late for work every day, leaves early, takes breaks, but it's their fault. And now she is in school so acting like she doesn't have time to do stuff for the store. I'm on my fucking own.

Monarch Door
Add to this I've been asked to temp a bunch of days this summer for Monarch Door so the receptionist can go on vacation. I worked there years ago doing data entry, then covered reception when my sister (same mentioned above, it happens) went into labor. Since then, I have temped off and on. Sister moved positions and new lady asked me. Well, they always paid me out of petty cash, but when a co worker died tragically, I signed on at the temp service because the current receptionist can't pay me out of petty cash anymore. Now that I'm on at the service, she wants me to do all her fill ins. They apparently have gone through 4 other temps from this agency and hate them all. They've also used other employees and ex employees. I fuck up every time I'm there and I'm still "better than anyone else we've had."

But the problem is I get super anxiety and all that just about going, let alone working there. Little known thing in my world is that I don't work because I have pretty fucked up mental issues when I do. I control my life right now so it's okay, but working at the store and now being asked to temp, I feel these issues trying to take over. I can't fucking hold it together anymore, but by all means, no one can see why I don't just go out and get any old job because we're not rollin' in the dough whenever they invite us to dinner or a movie.

I've hid everything so well for so long and even when I lose my shit, it doesn't feel like this. What's going to happen? I don't know.

And yet, after almost dying last year -yeah, sounds drama queen, but ask a doctor what would happen if someone was losing blood and their hematocrit was 15 didn't get help- and still saying I didn't want to go in to hospital it feels like no one gets that I am incapable of asking for help no matter how bad things get.

But as is the usual, I need someone to help me and no one seems to notice. Must be too good and looking like I'm holding it together. Or maybe I am holding it together and this brain of mine is making a mountain out of a mole hill.

listen to me
And in all of this, I have picked up 3 new people in my life (not brand new. They were peripheral, but now they are more a part) who tell me all of their shit...drama...often just that bull shit drama everyone has. Frankly, I don't want to hear how your step daughter is a drug addict because that's how she deals with being bi-polar. I could be bi-polar and you wouldn't know it because you don't listen to anyone else. Frankly, I don't care that this woman got mad at you for saying her daughter is gay to my niece and my niece told everyone at her job. I can't control my niece's big mouth, you know. I could go on for days, but this is what fills my head day in and day out. I am a stay at home mom, so I must not have enough drama and need to hear yours? No. I spend most of my time trying to pull myself out of the way I feel and it's not fucking working because no one can stop talking about their drama long enough to give a fuck.

And I agree with something I read on FB. People who say they hate drama are usually the ones creating it.

SO keep your fucking mouth shut.

Pretty much use FB for games now since everyone thinks their life is so full and they are smart and everyone else is stupid, but usually they are the ones who sound stupid.

And this is the kind of shit I keep cutting out and not talking about because it's rather exposing. Why the hell? I mean, I am so afraid of appearing weak so I hide every damn little thing like the fact that it sometimes still kills me that my dad is gone and that I know I'm too stupid to work a decent job and while I just can't stop writing I do it anyway even though I suck and who am I fooling anyway?

Nothing.

Just nothing. Never mind.

August 2012

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